Grieving not being able to breastfeed

Breastfeeding is one of the hardest thing I’ve done as a parent (Of two) at least this early on. You read so much about it, you understand it’s the “natural” way, it’s what you’re supposed to do and your body knows they say. Well, I’ve found very little natural about it. Yes, the baby is wired to start sucking from your breast. What they don’t tell you is that baby might start and keep sucking improperly. What they don’t tell you is your nipples might not be the right shape, form, or position. What you’ve heard little to none about is letdown and how yours can keep baby away from your breast or not jeep baby engage for long. And the list keeps going. Yes, there’s something special about being able to feed your baby off your own body, but there’s so much more than that. After that truly special moment when you realize how it works, if you even get to have it, the realities of how hard it’s hit. Also, as beautiful as it’s to be able to make all the nourishment your baby needs it’s also painful, physically and emotionally. It’s unpleasant to feel like you loose yet another part of your body, in a way. These are not just your boobs anymore, these are baby food manufacturers. You still, after nine months or so of pregnancy, have food restrictions because anything you eat, drink, or consume in any form gets passed down to baby through milk in some capacity.

And then, if you are one of the many women out there who are trying desperately to breastfeed and giving up for whatever reason you mourn not being able to do it for your baby. Not having the experience, you feel incapable, you feel like a failure. And it hurts.  It isn’t like a professional or an academic failure, it’s very personal because there’s nothing more personal than breastfeeding. Even if you’re still pumping round the clock and your baby is getting all, or most, of the benefits of breastmilk you feel a sense of failure. And, the worst part is most of the time, as mothers, we don’t get to fulfill our breastfeeding goals just because or lack of knowledge or preparation.

I felt this in my bones. I planned on exclusively breastfeeding for a while. It was never on my plans to breastfeed until my baby starts kindergarten or anything like that, but I wanted to be able to do it for at least 2-4 moths. But I didn’t prepare for it. I didn’t know enough beforehand so I didn’t really give breastfeeding its bet chances from the get go. I expected my body and my baby to know exactly what to do and how to do it without knowing it’s as easy as that. Now, even though I’m exclusively pumping most of what my baby needs (Still supplementing one or two feedings) I’m Grieving not being able to breastfeed, defeated, and feeling incapable. I know my baby will be fine but I still feel like I failed him in a way.